The Rending

One year has past.

One year since I gave birth to my son.

One year since I moved away from everything I have ever known.

One year since my life has been completely turned upside-down.

Last week we moved from our house to an apartment across the street. Nothing like renting a home makes you want to own your own home and we decided to cut the fat out of the budget to start making that a possibility. I was surprised how emotional it was for me. I had told myself all along that the house we were in was not our house. No point in overhauling the yard, painting the walls, hanging up photos, or thinking too deeply about color schemes. It was just a temporary space, yet somehow it creeped into my heart.

It was the house that Ben said his first words and took his first step in. It was the house that I learned independence and changed in so many unimaginable ways. Leaving it felt like leaving a piece of myself and it hurt to think that such an important place will only be a memory.

Leaving our first home

It was a needed rending, though, and it helped to physically move in order to push me to mentally, emotionally, and physically move. The past year has been a year of healing. I was able to slowly recover from the stress, anxiety, poor nutrition, and insecurity that I had inflicted on myself the previous 25 years. It was absolutely necessary and I have come out on the other side of 26 a more whole, enthusiastic and energetic person.

Now it is time to step outside my comfort zones and this coming year is a challenge to start living my life outside of myself and my small family. It is time to make friends, go on adventures, experience new places, start working and start giving again. I won't say that it is time to start living my life because the rest from last year was needed in order to dig into the depths of myself and live more fully.

However, I will say that it is time to live my life out loud. I am looking forward to the challenges and joys waiting for me. It will be stretching, exhausting, and exhilarating all at the same time.

27, I am ready. Let's do this thing.

Chris Howard Imagery

Note to the Soon-to-Be New Mom

Dear Pregnant Lady With the Swollen Ankles and Aching Back,

I've been there. In my need to be as prepared and ready as I could be for the impending arrival of my son, I dug too deep into the internet.

I vividly remember being on my phone with my husband, absolutely bewildered, shouting, "Why do I need to wear frozen pads for two months after the baby?! WHY? What is this Cretan going to do to my body???"

I read about PPD (Postpartum Depression), about the endless tears, sleepless nights and frustrations of having a baby. I read how I will NEVER get my body back (not the encouragement I needed after ballooning over 50 pounds in nine months) and that I can say goodbye to my sanity.

There was never anything hopeful in the articles, only the laconic line at the very end "But the baby is worth it." Sounds like a pretty raw deal to me, right?

I wanted to punch everyone that told me to enjoy my sleep while I was pregnant: partly because of the baby hormones, and partly because I was so sleep deprived and tired that for the second half of my pregnancy I was sleeping only a very fragmented few hours each night (helloooo restless legs!). I cannot express my annoyance when everyone was warning me to enjoy every moment now while I was throwing up absolutely everything I managed to choke down. At one point I was wandering around the hospital with a bottle of ginger beer and running to the bathroom every 10 minutes throwing even that up while waiting to get my anti-nausea medication. And it was only suppose to get worse???

Yup, there I am. I could have sworn I was promised at least a pregnancy glow?

So here is my message of hope to any future mom out there: having a newborn doesn't have to be a death sentence!

I found being a mom to a newborn 1,000 times easier than pregnancy. I was more well rested waking up every 3 hours to feed my son than my entire pregnancy.

Also, after experiencing labor, your first poop can possibly feel like a walk in the park in comparison. I was terrified of that the last three months of my pregnancy.

Judging from every post on the internet everywhere about babies you would have every right to assume that newborns are THE WORST and there's nothing you can do to prepare.

It's not that bad for everyone though. There's baby cuddles (which are THE BEST), firsts, new experiences, and finally connecting with the being that felt like a parasite for far too long. Also, wine, coffee and the ability to see your feet again.

I mean, come on, look at that face!

I felt energized after labor and like I could do anything after growing and birthing this beautiful, perfect creature. I lost all the baby weight in FOUR months and other than a few faded stretch marks on my hips, there is no difference between my body before and after baby.

Four months and fifty pounds after the scary pregger picture above

Now before someone crucifies me, I must clarify that every mom is different. Just because it was easier for me does not mean it will be easier for you. I know some new moms that breezed through pregnancy and struggled with being a new mom. Also, postpartum depression is real and if you find yourself in an emotional hole I would encourage you to seek help.

And although it has been easier than pregnancy, it is still a lot of work. There were definitely days when it felt like all my son did was cried. There have also been days of absolute exhaustion (he is still working on sleeping through the night at 7 months) and dirty looks at my husband when he asks what's for dinner (whatever you want to make, THAT'S WHAT).

But times like this melts even my cold heart.

But, I just want to give you, future mom, the tiniest scrap of hope. Hope that breastfeeding is not impossibly difficult for everyone (which means if it is for you, you should also seek help). Hope that your life is not over (my husband is still himself, and I am definitely still me, flaws and all). Hope that although some parts may be difficult, tedious, painful and endless, it is not all doom and gloom.

It is a time of love, not a prison sentence.

So please, step away from the internet and go take a nap.

Cursed Food

Then to Adam He [God] said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’:

“Cursed is the ground for your sake;
In toil you shall eat of it
All the days of your life.
 Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you,
And you shall eat the herb of the field.
 In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread
Till you return to the ground,
For out of it you were taken;
For dust you are,
And to dust you shall return.” 

{Genesis 3:17-19}

Ben enjoying fresh avocados

My relationship with food has not always been the most healthy. I knew quite a bit about nutrition, but did not see the need to make any real changes. Being naturally skinny, I only thought of the need to eat well in order to conform to society's version of beauty. I expected that I would clean up my act whenever I no longer fit this standard, or when I became pregnant. I thought I would become the hippie that I longed to be, but lacked the self-control or motivation to be at the time.

But being pregnant was much, MUCH harder than I had ever anticipated. It felt as though this little creature that I had never even met had hijacked my life, making it difficult to sleep, get around, wear clothes and even keep a decent meal down. In my broken-down spirit I could not bear to refuse myself any food I desired. I did not care that what I put in my mouth affected my son. He had taken so much from me: he was not about to take away my comfort food as well.

I immediately regretted that selfishness the second I saw his precious little face for the first time. I felt ashamed for all of the sugar, preservatives, and stress I had subjected his little body to take in while he relied helplessly on me for survival and growth. I regretted every bit of processed food and how I ignored the fact that some of the very things I was consuming was outlawed in other countries for the birth defects it caused on innocent children.

After that I became more concerned with what I was nourishing my family. I did thorough research on what I should be eating as a breastfeeding mama and what Ben's first foods should be. I was determined that although I had failed him while he was inside of me, he would be the healthy kid and adult that he could be.

I knew that it would be an adjustment, but I was shocked at how much work it would be. As I searched the grocery aisles and studied recipes online, I realized that I had two choices when it came to nourishing my family: spend the majority of our budget on foods that we cannot afford, or spend much time and energy into making these foods from scratch.

My first sourdough bread made completely from scratch (including the starter): not pretty, but absolutely delicious!

It was then that the reality of Adam's curse dawned on me. Our society has sought to make food convenient, fast and cheap. Whereas in times past people spent about 18% of their income on food, we now spend 9% (Michael Pollan, "Before You Grocery Shop Again", 2010). We are trying to escape the curse from the garden of Eden that our food comes at a price. It will take hard work and sacrifice to make our food, but we don't want to deal with the thorns and thistles of the field. Americans are seeking to modify our plants, soil, and animals to make food easy and cheap.

However, we cannot flaunt our curse without paying a much steeper price. That same study above found that the average American went from spending 5% on healthcare to 19%. It is a cruel irony that our food is more abundant, but our bodies are more malnourished than ever. We are wasting away from ugly diseases like cancer, heart disease and strokes in alarming numbers. Our children are increasingly suffering from behavioral problems and have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. 

Most of the time when we think of struggling for food and malnourishment, we picture babies with swollen bellies in Africa. The curse surely applies to them, but we have grocery stores lined with food! We can have food ready in a matter of minutes.  There are restaurants and fast food chains on every corner! Yet, we have not escaped the curse. To eat food that will bring life to the limbs costs: organic veggies and pasture-raised meat and dairy are expensive. It takes hard work and planning to make meals from scratch, but it also the only way to guarantee that the food is prepared correctly and responsibly without spending a large fortune. 

There is no magic formula, diet or angle for eating well: there is just hard work. And I am willing to pay that price for my family. 

Awakening

Ever since I can remember I have struggled on and off with depression. Something within my genetic makeup makes me bottle up any feelings of sadness and dwell on them until they consume me unless I consciously redirect myself. One major trigger that I found is the time of the year. Usually winters are the worst: the gloom, darkness, and coldness seem to ignite my mood and make me long for warmer and sunnier times.

This year, however, I have been striving to embrace life and lean in rather than searching for an escape. In the depth of winter, it dawned on me that it was a time of rest. Although trees, flowers and animals look like they are dead or gone away, in reality they are resting up and preparing for the bloom ahead.

Likewise, I found comfort in the fact that it was time for resting my weary bones. I had run around for long enough and needed a season of deep and complete renewal. Instead of viewing the darkness as a damper on my day, I finally saw that it was a chance to sleep more. I finally saw that the few months after the holidays is the Earth's chance to renew herself and come back with vigor for the remainder of the year.

I saw the cold weather as a chance to stay by the fire and read powerful words by those who had come before me.

We ate light and nourishing meals and took lots of naps.

I enjoyed my son's smiles in winter's first light.

He's also doing his morning aerobics

I forgave myself for my messy hair, unkept house and wild yard.

I call this style "I didn't brush my teeth either"

We went on walks.

And I watched this precious face all the while.

I spent hours laying next to this precious boy, playing and smiling.

All of us took a moment to be still, soak in the small moments and truly rest.

Although Phiebe always tends to move slowly.

Too often in our culture, we fight against the elements. We turn on lights, air conditioning, heaters, drink coffee, and take painkillers. There is nothing wrong in these things, but if we seek to shut out every part of nature that kills our productivity and inconveniences us, then it is no wonder that we are depressed and run-down. Our greatest strength comes in recognizing and being flexible to the various seasons in nature and within our lives. Although it seems like we are going nowhere, it is only for a time and then we can move forward again.

To my surprise, this was the greatest winter I have had yet. Instead of being consumed by the weather and my circumstances, my energy was rekindled and the fog of depression that always comes at this time was lifted.

And then the first flower popped up in my yard.

Small, unassuming, but a hopeful symbol of renewed life. I felt renewed and ready to take on the new season. It felt natural to start working again. I started decorating the house and signed up to run a 5K on Saturday. I went with Brandon to the store and we started taking back the garden.

 It felt good to get my hands dirty and be out in nature again.

And so, the awakening has started. And we are ready with renewed vigor.

The Burden of Light

On New Year's Eve I couldn't help but feel… tired. It was a combination of a rough night with Ben and the weight of the past year bearing down on me. We had survived a pregnancy, wedding, injury, bed rest, birth, job change and moving across the state all within the course of 2013 and it felt like it had taken its toll that night. 

The whole year I was afraid to look back on everything that had happened and fully comprehend all that I had to accomplish. I was worried if I thought too much about it I would not have the heart to get up in the morning and face another day. 

So when reflection, unanticipated and unlooked for, hit me that night, I felt exhausted. I felt like I had no strength left to take me through the next year. My husband had to drag me to bed and I tried my hardest to shut my mind off.

And then… the morning came. And Ben slept beautifully that night and I was the most rested I've been since long before I got pregnant. We all cuddled in bed, made a big breakfast and set out to hike and experience nature.

And we went to the highest bridge in California.

And then on a beautiful walk through the foothills.

And found a quiet place by the American River to show Ben when he woke up.

And skipped rocks like we were 10 years old again.

And by then the weight was lifted and I felt like the old me again. Unanticipated and unlooked for, the strength to face a new year came. 

Just as it did everyday last year. Endless baby wails gave way to a small bright smile. Fights gave way to kisses. And unbearable weariness gave way to grace. 

It may be a burden, but it is light.